Holly Madison considered suicide because she was so unhappy with life in the Playboy mansion.
The 35-year-old model admitted she considered drowning herself in the bathtub of the famous house because being Hugh Hefner's number one girlfriend made her so miserable.
Recalling lying in the bath in 2002, she admitted she thought: "If I just put my head under water and take a deep breath in, it would all be over... Would anyone even miss me?"
Writing in her memoir 'Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny', she added: "I just couldn't take my misery anymore. Of course my family would be devastated, but I rarely saw them enough for my absence to make a difference...
"Maybe it was the pot and the alcohol, but drowning myself seemed like the logical way to escape the ridiculous life I was leading."
And Holly felt of the 89-year-old media mogul's other six girlfriends, only her friend Bridget Marquardt would have been saddened by her death.
Of Hefner - who she described as "a man who was old enough to be my grandfather" - she wrote: "Would he even miss me? No, I was certain I was just another warm body - as we all were. 'Just another blonde,' I could hear him say."
The blonde beauty eventually decided her death would be "swept under the rug" like every other "scandal and ghost that once plagued Hugh Hefner" and decided not to go through with the plan as she wanted to be able to speak out about her experiences one day.
She said: "Thankfully the only thing greater than my need to escape was my desire to share my experience. If I sunk my head below the water and went to sleep, no one would ever know the truth."
In extracts from the book obtained by People magazine, Holly - who has two-year-old daughter Rainbow with husband Pasquale Rotella - insisted her life was not as "incredibly glamorous" as it seemed and was very different to what she had expected as an aspiring model.
She said: "Everyone thinks that the infamous metal gate was meant to keep people out. But I grew to feel it was meant to lock me in."
Holly also admitted that she doesn't miss being friends with Kendra Wilkinson.
The former co-stars haven’t spoken since they had an argument shortly after the reality TV show came to an end in 2010.
The 35-year-old star opens up about their feud in her memoir, and admits she was "hurt and confused" after Kendra, 30, claimed she wasn't really friends with her or Bridget.
She writes: "For someone who was all of a sudden trying to act like she was better than Bridget and me, she sure wasn't above using us for publicity when she needed it."
Holly texted Kendra and accused her of being the "fakest person" she had ever met and claims her former pal replied: "WHO ARE YOU???? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU! WE WERE NEVER FRIENDS. IT WAS ALL JUST WORK."
She adds: "After that, I deleted her number from my phone. Kendra and I haven't spoken since, and I have to say, I don't miss her."
Holly also claims Kendra had a "sense of entitlement" upon moving into the Playboy mansion in 2004 and had a "hustler mentality" in extracts from the book obtained by People magazine.
She writes: "Here was a rookie who had just gone all the way with an old dude and her only concern was how big her room was going to be."
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