As South Africa observes 16 days of Activism of no Violence against Women and Children, a mother has shared her journey of how she fled an abusive relationship.
*Nozibusiso Ngcobo, a 26-year-old woman from Amanzimtoti on the South Coast of KwaZulu-Natal is a single mother of who has survived brutality at the hands of her children’s father.
However, she does not wish to be seen as a victim but, as a survivor.
Ngcobo told IOL that she and her former partner met in high school and their relationship started out “sweet and innocent”.
“When we were in Grade 12 and 17-years-old, I found out that I was pregnant. Despite it still being relatively taboo, I was a bit excited as I had always wanted a family. When I told him the news, he slapped me,” she said.
This sudden onset of violence came as a shock to Ngcobo who described her ex as having been gentle and quiet to the point of being timid.
Unsure what to do, she confided in her sister who said she should go no contact (cutting off all communications with a person). However, he came to her to apologise and said he had been caught by surprise and “emotions had taken over”.
“I was essentially still a child, and so I forgave him but subconsciously, alarms were going off ... I inadvertently transferred the blame to myself. I started thinking that the way I told him was not appropriate. Looking back, I see that helped me cope but harmed me at the same time,” she continued.
She said the relationship continued and she delivered a healthy baby in the following year. The father went on to university in Gauteng while Ngcobo stayed home to raise the infant.
During this time, she said things were peaceful. “I see now that this was because we were apart. He did not have access to me so he obviously could not abuse me.”
After obtaining a diploma, he came back to the province while looking for a job. Ngcobo said at this time, she observed that he was enthusiastic as a father, but did not financially support their child and she relied on her family and the Sassa Child Support Grant.
As he struggled with unemployment, Ngcobo said his abusive nature reared its ugly head once more.
“He put his hands on me so frequently that I spend most of those years dissociating (a mental process in which a person becomes disconnected from their thoughts, feelings, memories, or sense of self) and could not be a good mother to my child. I wore long sleeved clothing and pants to hide the bruises.
“During the beatings, he would tell me that I had baby-trapped him and had ruined his life. Yet, he had a higher education and could get a good job, but I could not and had delayed my own life to take care of our child. My sacrifices meant nothing. It was all about him,” she added.
The last straw for Ngcobo was when her ex slapped their child in 2021 when she was just five-years-old.
“I was overwhelmed by guilt. It felt like I suddenly woke up from a very long nightmare. I could not fight for myself but I would never forgive myself if I did not try to fight for her. So, I formulated a plan.”
Ngcobo told the man that she was going to visit her sister in another town and would come back in a week. However, she stayed for a month.
This distance, she said, gave her the time and mental clarity she needed. When she returned home, she went to the local police station and filed abuse charges.
“He was furious but, when he looked into my eyes, he saw that something had shifted and that I would not settle for the bull**** treatment,” Ngcobo explained. “He apologised profusely but he had done that so much that his words were empty and I broke up with him then and there. I told him that I would rather my daughter have no father than be around an abusive one.”
She went on to say that she later dropped the charges and he left her alone. He found a job and moved away.
Nowadays, the young woman owns a hair salon and provides for her child. She advised other women to “not ignore red flags” and leave at the first sign of danger.
*Nozibusiso Ngcobo is not her real name. Changed for privacy.
If you or someone you know is suffering from gender-based violence, contact the Gender-Based Violence SA hotline on 0800 428 428.
South African Depression and Anxiety Group - 0800 567 567
Childline - 116
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