“Am I the A**hole for asking my soon-to-be ex-husband to give me the bedroom his kids use, for our daughter?”
This is a question a 35-year-old woman has asked Reddit users. And, spoiler alert, the consensus was that she is “Not the A**hole”.
But the story is not as straightforward as it may seem; and it is not a case of his children versus their children either.
She writes: “I filed for divorce and he has been served. The house is mine, bought before marriage, and he refuses to move out. We have been separated for over a year and a half now.”
The reason for the delay in divorce proceedings being instigated, the woman explains, is that her husband stated that he would file for divorce, but never did. She then had to start saving money so that she could do it.
In the meantime, she says, he has been saving money, although they do split the bills down the middle – to a certain extent anyway. If the utility costs exceed their usual amounts, he refuses to pay anything extra.
The wife adds that, while she had her husband were still ‘together’, she co-signed a vehicle loan agreement because he had a poor credit record. A few days ago, however, he asked her to sign a document allowing him to refinance the vehicle.
“I was hesitant at first because I didn’t want to do anything until the divorce is final, but I used this time to agree so long as he gave me back the room his kids use...He only agreed because he would be saving over $200 (R3 345) a month by refinancing.”
And this brings us to the issue of the children.
The woman, who has two children with her husband, writes: “His kids come over maybe once or twice a month now and would stay in that room...I explained to him that is was not fair for his children to have their own bedrooms in their home and my girls have to share a room in their permanent home.”
The situation is made even more uncomfortable as she claims her husband has told his children not to interact with her at all.
“Until recently I still cooked for his kids, bought them gifts, and cleaned up after them, but friends and family told me he was taking advantage of me, so I’ve stopped.”
Responding to Redditors’ comments, she further explains that she is “not mean to his kids but has stopped communicating with them as it was “just awkward for us all”.
“I would ask a question and either get a very short response like one or two words, or no response, so it’s clear that he’s told them not to speak to me. But he would still ask me to cook for them.”
She says she spoke to her lawyer about the situation and she informed her that there is currently nothing she can do to get him to move out of the house.
“Once the divorce is finalised I will have to get an eviction notice on him.”
The “good news”, however, is that she found bins in the garage with some of his stuff in them, so is hopeful they are a sign he is making some sort of arrangement to move out.
The pressing issue at the moment though, is still regarding the bedroom situation as the woman stands by her belief that their two children deserve to have their own bedrooms in their permanent home over her step-children having their own bedroom for their once- or twice-a-month visits. However, she is not sure whether she is being fair as this would mean her husband’s children would have to share a bedroom with him when they came to her house.
Reddit user agarrabrant states that she should definitely take back the bedroom, even if it makes her soon-to-be ex uncomfortable. After all, he refuses to move out.
“Time to push some buttons and remove the cushion he's been getting there. I would not refinance with him though. That's risking your own credit. You shouldn't have to be bargaining for things that are already yours.”
Similarly, tatersprout wrote: “It's your house. If he won't leave, take back the bedroom and he and his kids can all share a room. You aren't obligated to provide bedrooms to someone who won't leave. You don't need to make him more comfortable.”
Other comments revolved more around the divorce proceedings, eviction, and legal rights to the property than the issue of the bedrooms.
Although psychologists recommend that all efforts are made to ensure step-children feel welcome in their parent’s home, even if they only visit occasionally, and even if it means bedroom-sharing, a situation like this is a little more difficult to unpack.
Perhaps this comment by the woman is the answer: “If I ever become queen of the world, I would make a law in which no couples could marry until they attend and graduate a course on everything marriage and divorce.”
IOL BUSINESS