By Sharon Gordon
I sometimes give talks to teenagers about sex and the big question is always – how do I know if I’m ready to have sex? I believe in the holy trinity, or rather my take on it.
We think and feel with our head, heart and genitals. Truth is our genitals are the first to go when it comes to lust. Which is why I am such a strong advocate of masturbation.
Nobody is going to get harmed, and that urge will be dissipated before you have sex with the wrong person.
My generation never masturbated and simply got married when the urge got too strong. Rather marriage than a ‘fallen woman’. The next part of the trinity to fall is the heart.
Let’s face it that the heart wants what the heart wants.
We’ve all done incredibly stupid things in the name of love. I wonder how many timesa woman has heard ‘But if you love me, you would!’ That is the most dangerous of reasons to have sex.
The last and most important part is the head. I think we should listen to it more.
There are five questions you should ask yourself before you go ahead and have sex with someone: Do you feel safe, secure and comfortable with the person you are considering sleeping with? Comfort, safety and trust are paramount. If you don’t – don’t. Have you given consent?
Or are you doing this because you are afraid that if you say no you are going to get beaten up. I know what I am about to say is controversial, but rather take the beating. It is much easier to prove assault with a black eye than a torn vagina.
Feeling unsafe is a red flag – get out of the room as soon as you can.
Have you established clear communication? Here's that word again – consent. Have you or are you able to discuss openly you likes and dislikes, boundaries and expectations from the encounter. Clear communication will prevent misunderstanding and make sure that you both have a great time with no recriminations afterwards.
Remember – NO – is a full sentence. Are you emotionally ready?
Are you having sex for the right reasons? My right reason and your right reason may be very different. Understand what is right for you. Are you feeling desire and connection or are you being coerced? Do you feel like this is something you want to do rather than feeling peer pressure.
A terrible first-time experience can spoil sex for you for a very long time.
Whereas a great experience, made with mutual consent, boundaries and open communication can set you up for wonderful intimacy that will carry you into old age.
Ensure that you’re emotionally prepared for the potential outcomes of having sex. Go back to your head for this one. If you suspect that he is going to post this on his Instagram page, don’t.
Unless of course you want it to be. Have you discussed contraception and STI prevention?
Have to say that life was simpler when I was young. The worst thing that could happen to you if you had unprotected sex, was an unwanted pregnancy. The thought of that drove fear into many of our psyches. It is a major cause of women not enjoying sex as much as they should.
Then came AIDS and all of a sudden, we had to pay attention. I’m not saying that STIs didn’t exist, we just didn’t give it much thought.
Today it’s far more open to talk about contraception and STI prevention. Are you both aware of each other’s status. If not, you should both be tested before embarking on a sexual relationship.
I’m constantly amazed at the teenage pregnancy rates, when contraception is freely available at clinics. I had to wait until I was 21 to get contraception without the permission of a parent.
Do you understand the possible consequences of having sex?
When you have sex many aspects in your life can change. Emotional, physical and relational. The outcomes may not be what you want. Are you prepared for the responsibilities and possible implications? What will you do if you get pregnant? What will happen if the relationship dynamic changes?
Whatever you do, don't let yourself be filmed having sex. Revenge porn is a very real thing. When the holy trinity aligns, your head, heart and genitals are all in agreement this is a good thing, that sex should be had, then you are safe to assume that it is the right time to have sex.
Two more suggestions, if you are unsure even just a little bit or if you are under 16 – don’t. Life is long and there will be plenty of time to have sex. Take the time to get it right.
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Saturday Star