LIFESTYLE - IN its most recent drive for healthier marriages, SA Marriage Week says that in the midst of a world so focused on masks right now, couples should be embracing intimacy with their spouses and remove the masks in their marriage.
In an interview with POST, Valerie Govender, the director of SA Marriage Week, unpacked issues around marriage, and the masks couples wear while around their partners.
Masks
“Couples today wear many masks in their marriage. Essentially these masks allow them to hide truths from their significant others for a variety of reasons.”
She said some of the most common masks in marriage include:
- False financial representation: Portraying an image of wealth when in fact there is debt, which takes the marriage even further into debt.
- Hiding addictions: A spouse hiding a secret addiction like pornography or drugs, which can have damaging effects on the marriage.
- Lack of truthful communication: A spouse does not communicate truthfully about his/her feelings about vital matters in the marriage. These can lead to trust issues. Often it’s not a lie but a choice to not contribute to the true feelings at all.
Authentic communication
Govender said it was important to have authentic, honest, open conversations with one’s partner.
“We have the power to build a healthy marriage by offering our spouse encouragement rather than criticism. This form of positive communication involves some basic habits: being intentionally gentle, listening intently and validating our spouse. Through encouragement, we can bring about change, growth and the fulfilment of potential. We awaken the feeling: ‘Someone believes in me’
“One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is the gift of communication. It can be an act of connection and care, but far too many people only hear themselves talking. Few listen. If you listen to your spouse, he or she feels, ’I must be worth hearing’. If you ignore your partner, his or her thought could be, ‘What I said wasn’t important or he/she doesn’t care about me’’.
Govender said when you communicate face to face with your spouse, your message is made up of three parts: content (7%), tone of voice (38%) and nonverbal communication (55%).
“What does this mean in your marriage? When your spouse shares with you, make sure your body language communicates openness, and listen with your “eyes” because that’s as important as listening with your ears.
“Life-giving conversations are about getting to know your partner better and strengthening the bonds between you. They’re playful and affirming. They express gratitude and demonstrate curiosity. Ask your spouse questions you’ve never asked before. Unpack hopes and dreams.”
Tough topics
She said every relationship had its ups and downs and that couples must talk about challenges or troubles.
“If we don’t, they only grow until they feel insurmountable. Sometimes these conversations are about relatively small troubles with rather easy solutions: the washing machine isn’t working. Who should we call? Discussing challenging topics doesn’t always involve deep introspection or tears.
“Other conversations can be more serious — when our spouse has hurt or disappointed us, for instance, or we disagree on something critical. They can be talks that happen in the midst of deep grief, anger or confusion — when we’ve lost a job, for instance, or we’re dealing with sickness.
“Conversations connected to challenges can help us to grow, both as individuals and as a couple. They can expose our blind spots or lead us to make important and necessary changes in our lives.
“Although these are critical conversations to have in a marriage relationship, they’re delicate too, so we need to engage with a sense of grace. We need to use our best active-listening skills. Use words like ’So, I hear you saying …’. Validate whatever emotions are in play and be willing to offer forgiveness if it’s needed.
“Watch your words. If your spouse is insecure or seeking your approval, he or she might take an offhand comment personally that you didn’t intend as an insult. Be careful with your words and don’t underestimate that need for your spouse to be affirmed — a lot — each day.”
Pandemic pressures
Govender said the past two years of the Covid-19 pandemic had put added strain on marriages.
She said social isolation, stress, fear, financial strain, job uncertainty or loss, failing businesses, bored children, home-schooling, close quarters, mounting losses and the like, were challenges that have become a pressure cooker waiting to blow.
“Many people are ill-equipped to deal with the increasing stress in healthy ways. Trivial things that were often overlooked or went unnoticed because a couple wasn’t together have led to more conflict and dissatisfaction. Deep issues and unresolved conflicts surface that have been ignored and buried for years.
“Many couples are master avoiders. Often, people have concealed their marriage problems by creating emotional and physical distance — buffers that allowed them to stay disconnected but married. Time away from each other working, caring for children, pursuing hobbies, working out, spending time with friends, going to church and school functions, watching TV and browsing social media created space from their spouse and marriage problems.
“When you’re busy doing these things, you don’t have to invest in your spouse or open your heart to being known by your spouse. You can keep conversation at a superficial level. You can maintain a safe emotional and physical distance. These activities monopolise time and attention — and keep couples from facing problems in their marriage. Couples could avoid the emotional connection at a safer distance before the quarantine, but now the disconnection is painfully obvious.”
As a first step to overcoming this, Govender said agree with your spouse to spend at least 10 minutes every day talking about anything other than work, the household, kids, problems or even your relationship.
“Focus on the things that matter down deep — the things that expand your understanding of your mate. Back in 1983, the band Journey released the song Faithfully. In that song, there’s a lyric: ‘I get the joy of rediscovering you…’
“Take joy in rediscovering your spouse over and over. An entire lifetime together isn’t enough to truly know your husband or wife, because they’re always changing. That’s the beauty of marriage.”
POST