Identifying as ‘asexual and aromantic’ on Valentine's Day: What does it mean?

Asexual and aromantic don't have the same meaning.

As the terms imply, asexual persons experience little to no sexual attraction to other people, whereas aromantic people experience little or no romantic attraction to other people. A range of identities are contained in each phrase.

Some people claim to be both asexual and aromantic. But just because you identify with one of those concepts doesn't guarantee you do so with the other.

Valentine's Day is a day to honour love, yet most of the time that love is expressed through sexual intercourse.

Thoughts of friendship, self-love, and filial love seldom fall within that category. As a result, for many people, the holiday serves as a reminder of the rigid standards society has on partnerships, including the requirement that they be cisgender and monogamous.

What does it mean to be aromantic?

Someone who experiences romantic attraction for other people is alloromantic. This is the opposite of aromatic. Wanting to be in a committed relationship is what romantic attraction is all about, but this can mean different things to different people.

Even if they don't experience romantic attraction, aromantic people may have romantic relationships or may still want one.

What does the term asexual mean?

People who are asexual experience little or no desire to engage in sexual activity with others.

Since asexuality is a continuum, some asexuals are more sexually attracted to some people than to others.

It's possible to have sex with someone without feeling sexually attracted to them. While some members of the asexual community refrain from having sex, others may still do it for a variety of reasons.

How do you define identification with both?

Not all aromantic persons are asexual, and not all asexual people are aromantic; nevertheless, some people are both.

Aromantic and asexual people seldom, if ever, feel sexual or romantic desire. But that doesn't imply they never form love attachments or engage in sexual activity.

Someone who considers themselves to be both asexual and aromantic may fall on completely different places on either spectrum.

Other words are also used to define people's sexual and romantic identities

A few of the identities that fall under the asexual or aromantic category are:

• Grayromantic or graysexual: Someone who only sometimes, or with very little intensity, feels sexual or romantic desire.
• Demiromantic or demisexual: A person who can only feel sexually or romantically attracted to someone with whom they already have a close relationship.
• Reciprosexual or recipromantic: These words describe someone who only feels sexually or romantically attracted to someone who first felt that way about them.
• Akioromantic or akiosexual: Describes people who have sexual or romantic desire but do not wish for such attraction to be reciprocated.
• Aroflux or aceflux: Refers to people whose potential for romantic or sexual desire varies over time.

One or more of these terms could describe who you are, and your identity might change over time.

How does this actually appear?

Everyone is unique and has different experiences in relationships. But if you're asexual and aromantic, you could relate to one or more of the following:

• You haven't had much interest in having a romantic or sexual relationship with a particular person.
• You find it difficult to picture what it might be like to be in love.
• You find it difficult to picture what lust feels like.
• You find it difficult to empathise when other people talk about being attracted to someone romantically or sexually.
• You find the thought of having sex or being in a romantic relationship indifferent or even repulsive.
• You're unsure if your desire for romantic connection or sexual activity is solely motivated by social pressure.

Which implications does this have for partnerships?

Depending on their feelings, aromantic asexual persons may still engage in romantic or sexual interactions. After all, there are numerous reasons to have sex with someone or start a relationship; it's not just because you're attracted to them.

Keep in mind that being asexual or aromantic does not exclude a person from experiencing love or commitment.

People may desire sex for reasons other than sexual attraction, for example, wanting to have children, to give or receive pleasure, connect with their partner, express affection, explore, or bond.

Similarly, people may desire romantic partnerships outside of romantic attraction in order to co-parent with someone, make a commitment to someone they love, and provide and receive emotional support.

Is it okay to have no interest in dating?

Yes! To be happy, you don't need to be in a romantic or sexual relationship. Social support is crucial, but you may obtain it by developing strong friendships and family ties, which everyone should do, whether or not they are in love relationships.

The term “queerplatonic partnerships”, which describes close connections that aren't necessarily romantic or sexual, may be preferred by certain asexual or aromantic people. These relationships have a stronger bond than a typical friendship.

For instance, a queerplatonic partnership can entail co-parenting, providing emotional and social support for one another, or splitting costs and obligations.

What about sexual activity?

It's acceptable to be against having sex. It doesn't imply that you have a problem you need to resolve.

A few asexuals engage in both sex and masturbation. Some people don't engage in any form of sexual activity.

Asexual individuals might be:

• Sex-averse people are those who don't want to have sex and find the idea repulsive.
• Sex-indifferent individuals lack strong feelings about the sex.
• They are sex-favourable if they enjoy some sex-related activities but don't feel sexual desire.
• It's possible for people to notice that their attitudes to sex change throughout time.

How do you determine if you fall within the ace umbrella?

It might be challenging to ascertain your sexual or romantic orientation because there is no test for it. If you're not sure if you fall into the asexual/aromantic categories, consider the following:

• Join discussion boards or groups where you can learn about asexual and aromantic people's experiences, such as the AVEN or Reddit forums.
• Consult a reliable acquaintance who is familiar with asexuality and aromanticism.
• Join asexual and aromantic-welcoming LGBTQIA+ groups to meet others who share your interests in person.
• Examine your thoughts and feelings towards sexual and romantic desire.

Only you can decide who you are.

Always keep in mind that every asexual or aromantic person is different and has different experiences.

Where can I find out more?

For those who are interested in learning more about asexuality and aromanticism, there are many internet resources available. Here are a few:

• The Asexual Visibility and Education Network, which allows you to look up meanings of terms pertaining to sexuality and orientation
• The Trevor Project, which provides gay adolescents, including young asexual and aromantic individuals, with crisis intervention and emotional support.
• Aces & Aros and Asexual Groups, two websites that provide a global directory of asexual organisations.
• Regional Facebook groups for aromantic or asexual people
• Online communities like AVEN and the Asexuality subreddit

• Kids questioned about their sexuality

• WATCH: What is Asexuality?

• Asexual relationships need the ‘same ingredients’ as any other relationship