No shades of grey, listen to get green light

I got such varied responses to last week’s column - not at all what I was expecting, but valuable. At least I know it sparked debate.

This week I’d like to talk about listening.

It is not something I do very well because, as you know, I know everything! It’s a skill that I have recently had to cultivate. Often while I'm listening I'm telling myself to just shut up and listen and then, of course, I’ve missed what the speaker was saying. It’s the small things that distract me.

Sounds of silence, people listening without hearing. If this strikes a chord, you need to start paying a little more attention to what your partner is trying to tell you.

Talking about sex is hard enough and asking for a change in technique is almost impossible.

It is very difficult to ask for your partner to slow down, speed up, go harder or softer when you’ve been doing the sex dance the same way for years, because one of three things can happen.

Your partner may ask where you learnt these new tricks and often will wonder about, if not accuse you of, something nefarious. The answer is obviously that you've read this column and I've made some suggestions.

The second reaction may be: "But this is how it’s always worked." Now this is where it gets tricky because either you have been faking it for years or you have to admit that things (by things, I mean you) are changing, which could start a whole new conversation.

The third and best response is a version of "Cool, how would you like me change things up?"

If you are going to really listen, and I strongly urge that you do, much of what is being said is not going to use words. Now unfortunately we have learnt to resort to severe groaning from watching porn but what we learn about our partners should be in the more subtle groans.

The high-pitched squeal usually made by dolphins is actually a "no, don’t do that" sound as opposed to a low "mmmm", which is a yes, but wouldn’t it be easier if we just said "yes, more of that, or no, not that".

Nothing will get lost in translation. Telling someone that their favourite sex move sucks is really hard to do. It is even more ego-crushing to hear.

So what do you do? I think you need to agree in a non-threatening environment, such as dinner, that it would be fun to try something new, that from the beginning to the end of the session you are going to experiment and discuss what works, what doesn’t, what feels good and what shouldn't happen again. It will be like a masterclass for both of you.

Think about a cooking class - you have all the ingredients and a recipe to follow. If you burn something, you have to turf it and start again. If you haven’t read the recipe correctly or you’ve skipped a step, you’re likely to have a flop on your hands. Sometimes a mistake can be fixed by adding a little extra or using a different utensil. The chef walks around and gives you tips.

I think sex should be like this too.

In the masterclass, you should be free to say what you want or even to admit that you have no idea what you want and would like to try it differently.

One thing I would recommend - if you are not good with communicating openly and honestly, and even if you are, "safe words" are a very useful tool.

A safe word is a word you use in play to indicate your comfort or fear level. Do not use words like "yes" or "no" because they could be part of a play. Use words that have no relation whatsoever in sex play. I always recommend the colours of a traffic light. Green indicates a high level of comfort. If green is called, continue with what you are doing. Orange indicates slight discomfort and uncertainty. If you call orange, it doesn’t stop play; it just indicates that you need to go more carefully. Red means stop, immediately, not now-now or just now.

The use of safe words creates a safe place - use them wisely and never run the red light. Are you listening?

Share your thoughts by emailing [email protected]