The Hangout: Dating disasters and delights

I’ve been watching this thing for a long time now, and dating is in a very strange place at the moment - just getting weirder. I clearly remember going out with friends and seeing a stranger across the room who slowly but surely made their way over to chat. Sometimes that stranger gave serial killer vibes but other times chats turned into the number exchange and that turned into the dating game.

This little scenario seemed to happen a lot easier back then and it didn’t seem as complicated to ask someone out for coffee. I have friends that have been together since early high school years, friends who serial date as if their life depends on it and friends who have thrown themselves three divorce parties already. Some people just love a good wedding. We are all walking different paths in this crazy life and some of us are petrified of doing it alone, so settling is the only way. Others are either so used to rolling solo that they are comfortable waiting for “the one” to come along or are in danger of being a little too picky or independent. Both traits are good ones in my opinion but don’t be too good at being single if you’re actually looking. There are also those who have no idea what they want and sometimes never will. And if single is your jam and you feel comfortable, happy and that life is for you then bravo and good for you. Solo Wolfpack engage.

We have The Boomerang Ex who always comes back. Are they coming back because they legit love and miss you? Are they coming back to make sure they do a proper job of breaking your little heart beyond repair this time? Or are they coming back because they thought the grass was greener on the other side but their recent ex was so psychotic they realised you weren’t that bad after all? Whatever the reason, I do believe in second chances and I know many people whose second time round was the charm and they’ll probably live happily ever after. But I think said boomerang can only be caught once after the initial catch because that boomerang probably isn’t going to work after the third or fourth try. 

Just remember that these are only my feels and it’s an opinion piece. My opinion piece. And I could be so very wrong.

Anyway, onto The Playa. This person loves a good game: they reel you in and then play hide-and-seek, over and over again. It’s a bizarre concept to me, because the one thing you can’t buy or ever get back is time so to waste it leading someone on - or a few people on at the same time - seems pretty whack. It might be good for the ego in the beginning but isn’t it quite an empty way of living? I’m pretty sure it’s going to come and bite ya because karma and hurting people, wasting their time and playing games with hearts is a dangerous game to play. You are not one of the Mario Bros and you cannot get extra lives by jumping into coins or over mushrooms and nor can anyone else. Are these Playas so arrogant and selfish that they just don’t care for the consequences or are they actually so lonely and insecure that they hide behind these games? If you want to play games, buy a PlayStation.

Enter The Headless Chicken. The Headless Chicken runs around in circles and I’m pretty sure wants to be happy, as we all do, but the Headless Chicken doesn’t know how to be happy or where to even start. This dater, or non-dater, doesn’t know what they want, how to get it or how to accept kindness and love. This person has been hurt before but haven’t we all? They’re also still struggling to move on from their last relationship five years later. They’re afraid of commitment, scared of getting hurt again and they’re also good at self-sabotage. Other people can see how wonderful they are but they can’t see it themselves. This one is a good person and I hope they eventually finds what they’re looking for and finds the one who can break the spell. Go on Headless Chicken, give yourself another chance. Stop running. You’re worth it.

And on the opposite side of the scale we have The One With The Magic Mirror. This person believes they are perfect in every way and that you are the lucky one to be with them. They are a narcissist, and you’ll always be wrong. Welcome to the conversation, gaslighting. This person makes you doubt yourself and your own reality and makes you feel worthless and a little crazy, like you imagined things happening that didn’t. They did. You aren’t crazy. But they’ll come back and lovebomb you so you feel loved again but at this point you’ve forgotten your self worth and what love even feels like. This relationship is a bit of a yoyo and terribly unhealthy. They are entitled, manipulative and they lack any empathy at all. I don’t know what happened to this poor human in the past that they think it’s okay to behave this way and treat others so badly but they exist. They’re sitting opposite you in the office right now. The Fixers will lose this game. You’ll go in confident, light and happy and ready to love and leave broken, confused and hurt.

Lastly, there is The One Who Forgot They Were Married. Shame, amnesia is a real thing and these ones suffer from temporary amnesia. They forget they’re married at after-work drinks, on business trips, when the partner is away or basically any time of the day really. They can’t help it. Nobody knows when the amnesia will strike. They seem to think they’ll never be found out and they can live their best double lives until the very end. They want their brioche buttered on both sides. Open up the conversation with your partner and say you want to get your throuple on but don’t throw away what you have for a hook up or two or ten. It’s unfair. Or if you’re unhappy in that marriage then leave. But these little secrets do come out and they hurt. And they’ll hurt you in the end too.

Earlier I mentioned the grass being greener. Sometimes it is. So jump over the fence and get your greener grass on but often it isn’t. Make sure you treat people the way you’d like to be treated and don’t waste too much time. Also, don’t ghost people. If you like them, tell them you like them. Life is too short. If you don’t like them then just tell them too. It’ll hurt them less than being ignored. That’s just rude and disrespectful and there’s no excuse for it.

Let’s all be better humans and treat each other better. Let’s treat ourselves better. Sometimes you need to imagine how your besties see you, how the people in your life who love you see you. You are worth love. You are allowed to be loved and love in return. It’s the only thing we have that can change lives and it can change the world.

You know the quote “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” by Alfred Lord Tennyson? Well, he wrote it about someone in his life called Arthur Henry Hallam. It was about love, loss and heartbreak. All we know is that we’re here for a certain amount of time and then we wander over the rainbow and where we land up on the other side I’m not sure, so make this life count.

I’m not saying be too careless with your heart and go around handing out feelings like Skittles but don’t be too scared either. Sign up on those dating sites. I’ve heard some beautiful happily-ever-afters. Watch more rom-coms and believe in that magic. It doesn’t just happen in the movies. I really hope we all find our fairytale ending. But it’ll only happen if you are open to it, if you believe in that magic because love really is magical. I know we’re all a little broken, especially the older we get and the more we’ve been through and experienced. But we can try to put ourselves back together again, like broken pottery in Japan. Kintsugi, which means “join with gold”, is the Japanese art of repairing broken objects, often ceramic pottery or glass but in this instance I’m referring to our hearts. Rather than hiding the cracks, gold lacquer is used to bring the pieces back together, quietly honouring what was broken and allowing it to become something tender, whole and beautiful again. And I know this is easier said than done sometimes but try and fix those little cracks with gold or let someone fix them for you. 

And don’t forget to look in the mirror and see yourself in the light those who love you see you in. Choose love. Choose happiness. It makes life easier, warmer, better and more fun.