Beyond 'no means no': Why South Africa needs a new language for consent

In my previous column, we explored the importance of anatomical honesty, calling a penis a penis and a vulva a vulva to strip away the shame that leads to silence. But once we have the vocabulary, what do we do with the conversation? 

The next, and perhaps most vital, step in protecting our children is defining the boundaries of the body. This is probably the most important conversation of your child’s life, especially your sons. 

In a country with one of the highest rates of sexual violence in the world, "consent" can no longer be a vague concept whispered about in Life Orientation classes. It must be understood as the fundamental bedrock of any human interaction.

What Consent Actually Looks Like

For too long, we taught our youth that "no means no." The problem with this framework is that it places the burden on the victim to protest. If a person is frozen in fear, silent or asleep, they haven't said "no," but they certainly haven't said "yes."

Modern consent follows the F.R.I.E.S. model, a standard that every South African parent should teach:

• Freely Given: It is not consent if someone is pressured, guilted, or intimidated.
• Reversible: Anyone can change their mind at any time, even if things have already started.
• Informed: You can’t consent to something if you don’t have all the facts.
• Enthusiastic: It should be a clear "Yes!", not a "Fine, I guess."
• Specific: Consenting to a kiss is not a blanket "yes" to everything else.

The 'Sober' Truth: Alcohol and Impairment

The most dangerous misconception among young South Africans, and many adults, is the role of alcohol and drugs in sexual encounters.

Under South African law (and basic human ethics), an intoxicated person cannot give legal consent. If a person is "blackout" drunk, high on impairing drugs, or even "tipsy" to the point where their judgment is compromised, they lack the legal capacity to agree to sexual activity. 

In the eyes of the law, having sex with someone in this state is not "a drunken mistake" it is, in fact, sexual assault.

We must be explicit with our teenagers: If you are drinking together, sex is off the table. 

Using substances to "loosen someone up" or taking advantage of someone who has "passed out" is a crime that carries a life-altering prison sentence.

The Consequences: A Path of No Return

The consequences of ignoring consent are devastating and permanent. 

For the survivor, it is a trauma that affects mental health, future relationships, and physical well-being. But for the perpetrator, the consequences are equally final.

South Africa’s legal system takes sexual offences seriously. A conviction for rape or sexual assault leads to:

• Compulsory Prison Time: Minimum sentencing for sexual offences is rigorous.
• The National Register for Sex Offenders (NRSO): Being listed on this register means you are barred from working with children or in many professional sectors for life.
• Social and Educational Ruin: Most universities and employers have zero-tolerance policies. A few minutes of ignoring a boundary can result in a lifetime of unemployability and social exile.

The Conversation Starts at Home

We cannot expect our children to navigate the complexities of university "hook-up culture" or the pressure of house parties if we haven't given them the blueprint for respect at home.

Teaching consent starts with small things: not forcing a child to hug a relative if they don’t want to and respecting their "no" when they are being tickled. 

By the time they reach puberty, they should understand that their body is a sovereign territory, and everyone else's is, too.

Talking about sex isn't just about anatomy or pregnancy stats; it’s about character. It’s about raising a generation that understands that the most important part of any sexual encounter isn't the act itself, but the enthusiastic, sober, and mutual "yes" that precedes it.