Living apart together: Why love doesn’t always need a shared address

For generations, love followed a predictable script: we meet, we date, we move in together, we marry, we merge our lives and our wardrobes into one shared cupboard.

Actually, in my house he had half a cupboard and I had four. Equality is important but so is shoe storage.

Cohabitation and marriage have long been seen as the ultimate milestones of commitment. Move in together and you’ve “made it.” Share a bathroom and you’re clearly serious.

But what if love doesn’t always flourish under one roof?

I know this not from theory, but from experience.

My partner and I have been together for over 20 years. We love each other deeply. We are committed. We are loyal. We are present in each other’s lives.

And yet, we live apart.

Yes, we tried living together. We genuinely did. We packed the cupboards. We negotiated shelf space. We discussed where the cereal should live (apparently not where I had put it for years).

And we discovered something that surprised us: we functioned better as a couple when we had our own spaces.

Questioning Traditional Milestones

Across the world and increasingly in South Africa, traditional relationship milestones are being re-examined. Marriage is no longer a default destination. Living together is no longer the only proof of seriousness. More couples are asking: What works for us?

This shift is part of a broader cultural move toward personalised relationships. Instead of following inherited templates, couples are designing arrangements that suit their personalities, work schedules, parenting responsibilities, financial realities, and emotional needs.

One of the most talked-about models is Living Apart Together (LAT) - committed couples who choose to maintain separate homes while remaining fully in a relationship.

It sounds unconventional. It isn’t loveless. And it certainly isn’t casual.

It’s just… honest.

What Living Apart Together Really Means

Living Apart Together doesn’t mean “keeping options open.” It doesn’t mean fear of commitment. In many cases, it means the opposite, a deliberate, conscious choice to preserve both intimacy and individuality.

In my own relationship, we discovered that sharing a home introduced friction we didn’t have before. Work stress followed us into shared space. Differences in routine, sleep schedules, quiet time and clutter tolerance became daily irritations instead of minor quirks.

For example, he likes quiet mornings. Silence. Coffee. Reflection.I like news at a volume that suggests we are personally involved in global politics, at 4 in the morning.

These are not irreconcilable differences. But they are easier to love from across town.

When we moved back into our own homes, something shifted.

We started choosing each other again.

Time together became intentional. We planned dinners instead of defaulting to them. We dressed up to see each other. We missed each other. The spark returned not because we were trying harder, but because space created desire.

And because I once again had my own bathroom. This, in my opinion, is the most underrated relationship enhancement strategy available to midlife women.

Independence as a Relationship Strength

For many midlife and older couples, especially those entering relationships after divorce or widowhood, LAT offers stability without sacrifice.

By midlife, we know ourselves. We have careers, habits, children, grandchildren, established routines. Merging everything can feel less romantic and more like a corporate takeover.

Living apart allows for:

• Financial independence
• Personal space
• Protection of assets and family structures
• Emotional breathing room
• And importantly, the preservation of identity

In my 60s, I value my independence. I value my loud mornings. I value my skincare routine spread across an entire counter without negotiation.

And because I don’t feel engulfed, I show up more generously in my relationship. I am softer. Kinder. More playful. Less irritated about cupboard space. He has none, he must bring a bag over the weekend.

“But Isn’t That Less Committed?”

This is the question people ask most often, usually with raised eyebrows.

Commitment is not measured in square metres.

Commitment is measured in consistency. In showing up. In loyalty. In emotional investment. In future planning. In choosing each other repeatedly over time.

My partner and I have built two decades of shared history, through illness, work changes, family challenges, growth and ageing. We are not less committed because we sleep in different houses. If anything, our commitment is more intentional.

We don’t default to each other because of proximity. We choose each other because we want to.

That feels far more romantic than arguing about whose turn it is to take the bin out.

The Psychology of Keeping the Spark

Research increasingly shows that autonomy and desire are closely linked. When partners maintain a sense of individuality, attraction often remains stronger. Familiarity can breed comfort, but too much proximity can dampen mystery.

Living apart can create:

• Anticipation
• Novelty
• Emotional curiosity
• A natural rhythm of togetherness and absence

It is not distance that kills intimacy. It is emotional disconnection. And you can be emotionally disconnected while sharing a bed every night.

Sometimes a little space keeps things interesting. Absence, it turns out, does make the heart grow fonder and occasionally better dressed.

Is LAT for Everyone?

Absolutely not.

Some couples thrive on shared domesticity. Some feel safest and most secure under one roof. For others, financial realities make separate homes impossible.

But what I appreciate about this cultural shift is permission.

Permission to ask:

• What works for us?
• What strengthens our bond?
• What preserves both love and self?

Relationships are no longer one-size-fits-all. They are bespoke. Tailored. Custom-built.

And sometimes, custom-built includes separate bathrooms.

Redefining Success in Love

We need to broaden our definition of a “successful” relationship.

Success is not just marriage. Success is not just cohabitation.Success is not following tradition perfectly.

Success is sustainability.

If a relationship is loving, respectful, consensual, supportive and enduring, does it really matter if the toothbrushes live in different bathrooms?

Personally, I think it’s the best part. My own bathroom. My own cupboard. My own clutter.

After more than 20 years together, my partner and I are proof that love can thrive without a shared postcode.

We are not apart because we are distant.We are apart because we are deliberate.

And sometimes, loving each other well means not sharing the cupboard space - even if I would still win that negotiation.