Love is here, libido isn’t: What’s really happening under the covers

There’s a quiet crisis playing out in many bedrooms that nobody warned us about. It goes something like this: She loves her husband. Deeply. She enjoys his company, values the relationship, and would happily grow old watching crime series and arguing about what’s for supper.

But intimacy? Touching? A cuddle that might lead to sex? No thank you, not today, Babe.

So, she avoids it. The hand-holding. The spooning. The innocent kiss that could escalate. Because the very last thing she feels like is sex and now even affection feels risky.

If this sounds familiar, congratulations: you are not broken, frigid, selfish, or “letting the marriage go.” You are likely menopausal, peri-menopausal, exhausted, hormonally hijacked, or all of the above.

Why this happens (and no, it’s not because you’ve “changed your mind”)

For many women, declining hormones, particularly oestrogen and testosterone, affect far more than hot flushes and sleep. Libido, arousal, vaginal comfort, sensation, and even emotional responsiveness can take a serious knock.

Add to that:

• Dryness or pain during sex
• A body that no longer responds the way it used to
• Fatigue that laughs in the face of lingerie
• Mental overload, stress, and resentment
• And the unhelpful belief that “if I can’t offer sex, I shouldn’t offer anything”

Suddenly, intimacy feels like an obligation instead of a pleasure. And avoidance becomes self-protection.

The problem with avoidance (even when it feels logical)

Avoiding touch to avoid sex makes sense in the short term but over time it creates distance, misunderstanding, and hurt. Your partner may feel rejected, undesirable, or confused. You may feel guilty, pressured, or trapped.

And the irony?The less safe intimacy feels, the less desire has any chance of returning.

First stop: hormones (yes, they matter)

Hormone treatment can be life-changing when it’s appropriate and correctly prescribed. More of you can use it than formally imagined – that old research is out of date and was disproved 15 years ago.

Options may include:

• Oestrogen (systemic or vaginal) to improve comfort, tissue health, and responsiveness
• Progesterone (if needed) for balance and sleep
• Testosterone (often overlooked) to support libido, energy, and desire

Many women are told “your levels are normal for your age,” which is about as helpful as saying, “It’s normal for your car to struggle uphill if it’s old.” Normal doesn’t mean optimal and normal is the death of progress.

A menopause-informed doctor is essential.

But what if hormones don’t fix it?

Here’s the truth nobody tells you: hormones are necessary, but they are not sufficient.

When hormone treatment helps physically but desire still hasn’t RSVP’d, it’s time to look wider.

1. Redefine intimacy (and say it out loud)

Intimacy does not have to be a slippery slope to sex. It can be:

• Touch without expectation
• Cuddling with a clear agreement: “This is not going anywhere”
• Massage, holding hands, lying close

This requires an honest conversation, preferably not at bedtime, where you explain that avoidance is about self-preservation, not rejection.

Surprisingly, many partners feel relieved to know the rules.

1. Separate affection from performance

Desire rarely appears when the stakes are high. If every kiss feels like the opening act to a show you don’t want to attend, your nervous system will shut it down.

Creating safe touch, with no agenda, often allows desire to slowly, quietly re-enter the room.

No drumroll required.

1. Address resentment (yes, that one)

Unspoken resentment is a libido killer of Olympic proportions. Years of emotional labour, feeling unseen, or being the default everything-er will not be neutralised by a hormone patch.

Sometimes what’s missing isn’t desire, it’s fairness, appreciation, and rest.

1. Get support that isn’t Google

A menopause coach, sex therapist, or counsellor who understands midlife sexuality can help untangle the physical from the emotional and remove shame from the equation. I know a couple if you’d like to reach out.

This is not about “fixing” you. It’s about supporting a normal transition.

A final word (with love and a wink)

If you love your husband but avoid touching him because sex feels like a chore you didn’t sign up for, you are not failing at marriage. You are navigating a biological and emotional shift that society politely forgot to prepare you for.

Intimacy doesn’t end at menopause, it simply needs renegotiation, better support, and occasionally… a sense of humour.

Because sometimes the most intimate thing you can say is:“I love you. I’m tired. My hormones are chaotic. Let’s hold hands and not make it weird.”

And honestly? That’s a pretty good place to start.