Sharon Gordon Sharon Gordon
Image: File picture
If you have spent any time scrolling through TikTok or Instagram recently, you have likely encountered a version of modern romance that feels entirely out of reach.
It is a world of perfectly lit bedrooms, couples performing synchronised morning routines, and influencers dispensing flawless, highly confident advice on how to achieve the "perfect" intimate life. I want to vomit.
But behind the pastel filters and the flawless aesthetic, a growing counter-movement is taking root and I’d love to say I’m spearheading it, but I’m not, I’m just jumping on the bandwagon because I’m tired.
Dubbed the "de-influencing" of toxic intimacy standards, sexual health educators (like me) and everyday creators are staging a quiet revolution against the unrealistic, high-performance expectations that social media has thrust upon our private lives.
For young adults who have grown up with a smartphone in hand, the line between public presentation and private reality has blurred significantly.
Intimacy has increasingly been subjected to the same metrics as any other online content: it must look effortless, frequent, and visually spectacular.
"There is a pervasive myth online that if your intimate life isn't a high-octane, cinematic experience every single time, you are doing it wrong," says developmental psychologist Dr. Lerato Ndlovu. "Young adults are facing immense performance anxiety. They are over-analysing their bodies, their relationship milestones, and their desires based on 15-second curated clips."
This relentless optimisation has led to a bizarre paradox: while younger generations have unprecedented access to progressive sexual education, they report higher levels of intimacy-related stress and detachment. Online spaces have treated sexual wellness like a fitness routine, something to be optimised, tracked, and perfected.
While the youth struggle with the pressure of starting out under the digital gaze, older generations are experiencing a different kind of internet-induced exhaustion.
For those who remember a time before algorithms dictated relationship dynamics, trying to navigate the modern vocabulary of online intimacy feels like learning a foreign language.
From deciphering what it means to "soft-launch" a partner to understanding the hyper-specific relationship trends broadcasted weekly, older adults are finding themselves caught in a cycle of comparison.
"We look at these perfectly curated online couples or mid-life wellness influencers who seem to have bypassed aging, hormonal shifts, and everyday fatigue entirely," says 52-year-old Sandton resident, Michelle Botha. "You start to wonder, 'Are we missing out? Should we be doing more?' It’s exhausting trying to keep up with standards manufactured by a generation half our age."
The reality, of course, is that life for "us older folk" involves navigating mortgage stress, career burnout, and changing bodies, realities that rarely make the cut for an Instagram Reel.
Thankfully, the tide is turning. A new wave of radical realism is dismantling these toxic benchmarks by driving a movement focused on authenticity over aesthetics.
Trending conversations this week are shifting away from "how to optimise your performance" and turning toward "how to accept your reality."
Creators are intentionally "de-influencing" their audiences by breaking down the ultimate necessary truths:
The de-influencing movement reminds us that the best antidote to internet-induced anxiety is logging off. I challenge you to do it, this weekend.
True intimacy cannot be systematised, packaged into a template, or measured by an algorithmic metric.
Whether you are a young adult trying to find your footing in a hyper-sexualised digital landscape, or part of the older generation trying to protect the sanctity of a long-term partnership, the lesson remains the same: intimacy is a deeply personal relationship engineered by two real people, not a performance tailored for a public audience.
It's time to turn off the filters, quiet the online noise, and return to reality.